“How’s school?” “Good.” Period, end of sentence, end of conversation. Classic! I know there’s nothing more exciting than picking up your college kid for their first visit home — you haven’t seen them in so long! They look so grown up! Are they eating enough? Of course, you’re bound to have a million and one questions about their life, their classes, and everything in between. But, I wouldn’t expect them to be answered with much detail or enthusiasm.
This can be super frustrating, and that’s OK! You want to know because you care, of course.
But the best way to show it might be by giving your newly-adult kid some space and time to settle. At least, that’s what mom and parenting expert Vanessa Kroll Bennett of @less.awkward suggests in a Reel.
“What do college kids need from us when they come home?” she asks. “They don’t need us asking, is it so amazing? Do you love it so much? Are you having the best time? Because if they’re not, that question feels really shitty.”
Kids face so much pressure to have a good time at college, whether it be from their friends, from social media, and even if you don’t intend it, from you. Maybe let them set the tone of the discussion around college, even if it takes longer to get started.
“Second of all, we’re not going to launch into questions about grades or anything like that the minute they walk through the door, because, as our friend Harlan Cohen says, they are exhausted, physically and emotionally, and they just need to lie down,” Kroll Bennett said.
“And also questions like, do you have a best friend yet, or have you found a significant other,” she continued. “That also doesn’t feel so great, because if they haven’t, well, what are they going to say? No? That admission feels hard.”
Basically, your college kid is trying to figure a lot of stuff out for themselves. As a parent, you have to have some faith that they will figure it out eventually (or, that they will come to you if they do end up wanting help). But often, asking a ton of questions can just feel like a reminder of all the things they feel like they’re falling short on.
So asking questions is a no. But, what should you do when your college kid comes home? Kroll Bennett says, let them rest and take some time away from the things that might be worrying them.
“They need to sleep. They need to eat well, they need to be cozy and see the dog. They don’t need to be interrogated,” she said.
“They are auditioning every single day at school, and what they need when they come home is safe love.”
Parents in the comments were all for Kroll Bennett’s take, and one offered her own advice for touchy topics with college kids (yes, there are a lot, but hey, they’re dealing with a lot!).
“Also don’t ask when they are getting together with old high school friends — complicated dynamics here, especially freshman year,” one mom contributed.
Navigating conversations with your college kid can be tough for parents. Kids have newfound independence, and a whole life you’re not there to witness. You want to know everything, and they want to tell you nothing.
Maybe someday you can be there for your kid to share their college escapades with, or maybe they’ll need to vent about their horrible roommate. But, until they make the choice to tell you, leave your list of questions at the door.
