The holidays have always been a blissful season of joy, celebration, and spending time with the people I love most. For the last three and a half-ish decades I can’t remember a holiday season where I wasn’t headed to my mom’s side of the family on Christmas Eve and basking in the glory of Christmas morning with my immediate family, followed by extended relations later for dinner.
Once I had my own kids I couldn’t wait to share in these and all our other holiday traditions. Yeah, it meant mixing in a few more stops — seeing their dad’s family and their cousins — but the togetherness, the Whobilation (yes, we love The Grinch), and the magic of the season outweighed the chaos. Or at least it had been, up until the last few years.
Every year since they were born, my kids and I dutifully attended these celebrations with both sides of the family. Even though I would have preferred to spend time alone with my kiddos and enjoy the holidays, we made the trips from point A to point B and back again because it made the kids happy (and of course, all the Boomers in our life too). But between growing family issues — political and otherwise — I’ve decided we’re taking a break this year. And let me tell you, people were not happy about it.
Our family has been changing and growing in different directions. Some of us are evolving with the times and are taking a different approach to parenting (by breaking all those generational curses that no one likes to acknowledge even exists). So more often than not, family gatherings almost guarantee a verbal sparing match. Throw the recent election in the mix and it just adds fuel to the fire. It’s hard to see the people you thought you knew your whole life adopt (or overlook and excuse) an entirely different set of values than the ones you all were raised with, and it’s even more painful to explain that to your kids who looked up to them. I’m uncomfortable, the kids are uncomfortable and even though they might not admit it, I’m sure the fam is feeling the tension too. And for the first time in forever, I don’t feel the need to smash all those hard feelings into a box to deal with later — this time I can’t (and won’t) just ‘get over it’.
“Why can’t you put the politics aside and just enjoy time together?”
“This could be the last year we’re all around to celebrate together — why do you have to be so difficult?”
All the unkind words exchanged prompted me to ask myself an important question: Why am I spending time with people who make me and my kids uncomfortable? Why are we subjecting ourselves to terse conversations and non-stop side-eyes? Why is there an expectation for us to bend over backward to make their holidays brighter when ours isn’t?
I was raised to be a people pleaser, to avoid conflict at all costs. But the gift I’m giving myself and the kids this year is to change all of that. I asked my kids what they wanted to do this year. What would bring them joy? How did they want to celebrate the holidays? This year, we’re trading in walking on eggshells and instead spending time at a resort, hitting up the waterpark, and ordering room service.
Don’t get me wrong, it might not be something we do every year, but this year it feels especially necessary. The truth is, sometimes the best thing for everyone is to opt out when the people you’re surrounded by make things uncomfortable. I didn’t make this decision lightly. I’ve always tried to put those feelings aside for the kids, but we’ve arrived at the moment where enough is enough. I deserve to have an enjoyable holiday season too and this year, that looks like ditching the family celebrations with zero guilt.
Of course, we’ll still enjoy other holiday traditions like going to the Nutcracker ballet. We’ll bake at least half a dozen different kinds of Christmas cookies with the littles, sample a few (to make sure they’re just right), and send a few with my parents to the festivities we miss.
Without fail, the Christmas tree will go up and the elf will find its way to the shelf. It’ll be magical seeing A Christmas Carol (for the umpthzillionth time) at our local theater (even though the Muppets version reigns supreme). It’ll still be a holly jolly holiday season even though we’re not going all in on the events (and people) that suck all the joy out of the most wonderful time of the year. To be clear, even though the Boomers in my life think I’m choosing to retaliate or punish them — it’s not really about them. It’s about doing what I think is best for my family.
So even though it’s unconventional, this is the choice I’m making for my family and no amount of guilt from my mom — or disapproving lectures from anyone — will stand in the way of that. Who knows, this could be the beginning of a fun new family tradition.
