At this point, we’re all aware of the toxic boy mom — the mom whose son can do no wrong, and whose daughter just can’t do anything right. If there was ever an argument for stopping boy mom bias where it stands, it’s the potential for the final boss of favoritism: the toxic boy grandma.
One woman recently shared a video describing her experience with her own “boy grandma”, and we need to talk about how to put a stop to this kind of behavior.
Just yesterday, TikTok user Aly Kima posted a video sharing her story, and it has already reached 1.2 million views.
“My grandmother had three children, two girls and a boy, and she always preferred my uncle, the boy. He was a golden child who could do no wrong,” Kima explained. “Then my mom and everyone grew up and had children, and now there are boys and me, so I am her only granddaughter. She made her favoritism for my male cousins and my brother very clear.”
“She would attend special milestones for my male cousins and my brother and just not go to mine,” Kima continued. “Something that I remember vividly from when I was really little was she had these stuffed bears, and whoever was sitting next to her, about to hold the other bear. I was never asked to sit next to her.”
Kima also explained that her grandmother was never physically affectionate with her, and would always get her cousins and brother disproportionately extravagant gifts. Oof.
She continued to explain how her grandmother’s behavior even ventured into, honestly, some real mean girl behavior.
“I remember, she had a thing for not wanting me to eat. Something that I remember so vividly was a Thanksgiving that we had, and there was a charcuterie board with little like cracker bread sticks. I ran over and I had a breadstick. I was like, seven or eight. She just scolded me in front of everyone and was saying it’s inappropriate for me.”
It seems to me like Grandma was projecting some of her own insecurities towards Kima, as is probably true with a lot of toxic boy moms and grandmas. But, an explanation does not make it any more acceptable.
Eventually, the behavior got to the point where Kima’s parents had to intervene and tell her grandmother to stop treating her so poorly. Her grandmother’s reaction, however, didn’t necessarily change things for the better.
“I remember her pulling me aside and asking me to sit on her lap. And she basically said, ‘I don’t know where everyone in the family gets that I don’t like you, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. I obviously love you when you’re my granddaughter,’” Kima said.
“I remember just feeling so sad and confused by that conversation and also being so surprised that she asked me to sit on her lap because she never asked me to sit on her lap. I do feel like it messed with my head a little bit, especially in my developmental years, feeling like if I wasn’t perfect, that I wasn’t worth loving,” she explained.
Kima asked that parents really examine the way they speak to their children because the impact can last far beyond childhood.
“It has generational effects on your kids and your grandkids. They just want to feel loved, they just want to feel appreciated, and joking about those things is not funny, it’s not cool and it stays with a person for their whole life,” she said.
Users expressed their support for Kima and shared their own stories of toxicity.
“My grandma only favored my brother and the boy cousins too. The cycle began when she was a child because her parents picked favorites. Definitely has generational effects,” one user said.
“You’re not alone. My mom is the same way towards my four sisters and me,” another user said. “When they tell you that their tough love comes from a good place, it’s gaslighting your own heart and constantly confusing.”
“Since you were her only granddaughter, you would think she would want to make that relationship extra special. That’s sad and you didn’t deserve that treatment! ❤️” another added.
It can be so hard to break away from generational patterns of favoritism and emotional neglect. To all the moms out there breaking the cycle, we see you!
