Not that long ago, my son really needed me. Some days, he needed me for more than I could give. But suddenly, those days are distant memories. As much as I thought I’d enjoy free time back then — along with extra headspace and not feeling touched out every day — the transition is harder than I thought.
My oldest is now a grown man, and there’s very little he needs from me. That’s the goal, right? To raise independent kids who can make it on their own. That’s what I tell myself on the days when I barely see him anymore. While there’s something exhausting about being needed too much, it’s lonely when your kids barely need you at all and they want you out of their business. Like, all the way out.
He still lives at home, but when I ask him questions about his friends, work, or what he’s going to do this weekend, he gives me very short, vague answers. Not because he doesn’t know what he’s going to do. He totally does. But he’s at the age where he doesn’t have to give me a play-by-play of his weekend plans. He can come and go as he pleases. It’s a freedom I remember really enjoying at his age, and I know he’s enjoying it too. Just as he should. But I don’t love it, either.
Now that he has a girlfriend, he seems to want to keep me away from his personal life. I haven’t met her yet; I don’t even know her name, and when I ask him how they met, he mumbles a few words I can’t understand. They’ve been together for about a month, and while he may take his time to feel this relationship out, I also think he’s just not ready to include me in this part of his life yet.
We’ve always been close, and I’ve always been a little overprotective. So needless to say, it’s been killing me, which I’m sure is annoying the hell out of him.
My son’s independence isn’t new; after he got his license at 16, he bought a car that he’d saved for and worked two jobs so he could afford a gym membership, fancy sneakers, and takeout. I’ve always admired and respected that side of him. But with that strong independence, he’s also pushed me away. Unless I ask, I don’t know where he is or what he’s doing.
When I think about it, his daily life really isn’t any of my business anymore. I certainly don’t tell my mom everything I’m doing, and that started around when I was my son’s age. As a parent, though, I can’t just completely let go. I want to know what he’s up to, if he’s happy, if he has questions about his new relationship. I want in on his life — I always will.
But he knows I’m here if he needs me. He knows I’m available to talk about anything he wants to talk about. I’ve made that clear, maybe even a little too clear, and I’m sure he’s sick of hearing the reminders. But I won’t stop. I want to be in the know and that will never change. And all I can do is hope that someday soon, he’ll invite me back in.
Diana Park is a writer who finds solitude in a good book, the ocean, and eating fast food with her kids.
