Kimmel: Trump Is The 'Great White…Supremacist!'

KIMMEL: President Biden released his bracket today. He picked Yukon to win, whereas Donald Trump not only won’t be releasing his bracket, he won’t throw one out at all because he’s afraid of getting eaten by that shark.

TRUMP: But if I’m sitting down and that boat’s going down and I’m on top of a battery, and the water starts flooding in, I’m getting concerned. But then I look 10 yards to my left and there’s a shark over there.
So I have a choice of electrocution or a shark. You know what? I’m gonna take electrocution. I will take electrocution every single time. Do we agree?

KIMMEL: Yeah, yeah. Yeah, apparently there’s a lot of agreement. I can go either way.

The great white supremacist has until Monday to come up with a $464 million bond, or the state may seize and sell his property. Trump said nobody has ever heard of anything like this before.
Trump needs cash and… we never heard of most of the crazy stuff you do before, but, I mean, nobody ever heard of the president changing the weather with a Sharpie before either.

Something tells me over the weekend Trump’s gonna start talking about how strong Vladimir Putin is and then suddenly a dump truck full of rubles will pull up and cover this for him.

But, of course, the real loser here is Melania. She may end up with half of the nothing he owns now. I hope she got an advance on that prenup because if you think she hates him now, wait until he’s poor.

That’s gonna… But his excuses, I will say, are richer than ever.

Trump yesterday asked the Supreme Court to grant him absolute immunity in the case related to the events of January 6th, and he also wants immunity from chlamydia, just in case, you know?

But his argument is that the threat of future imprisonment, not for him, it would prevent the president from doing potentially illegal things, which I think is the point of prison in the first place, but it turns out the guy who bragged to Billy Bush he could do whatever he wants, thinks he should be allowed to do… whatever he wants.

His lawyers told the court denial of criminal immunity would incapacitate every future president with de facto blackmail and extortion while in office and condemn him to years of post-office trauma at the hands of political opponents.

Which sounds bad, right? And yet, somehow, we’ve had 44 presidents before him that never happened to any of them except for this one guy. Why do you think that is? Could it be because none of them tried to violently overthrow an election they lost? I don’t know, maybe.

The appeals court by the way, the appeals court took one look at this dumb argument and did the legal equivalent of when you drop a dictionary on a cockroach. They were like, the Supreme Court was like, hang on, scrape those bug guts off the floor, and let us take a look. We ought to make sure that wasn’t a bald eagle you crushed with that bug.

There’s no reason for them to even be hearing this case, and the fact that they are probably means there won’t be a trial before the election. Also, as you know, the scariest thing about the Office of the President is that you don’t even need immunity to do bad things.

Other people can do bad things for you. Anyone could do anything, and if you like what they did, you could just pardon them, because you’re president. If any person decided to do something terrible to someone you hate, as long as it’s a federal crime, you could just wave your magic President wand and they’re free to go.

That’s that’s like wizard power. That’s a lot of power, and for Father’s Day, Eric and Don Jr. could walk into a bank, hand the teller a note that says give us all your money, spelled wrong, of course, Money would be spelled monnie, but they, then they could take that money, they could go buy their father a gold statue of himself. They could give him the statue, and when the cops come to lock him up, the wand comes out, and they go right back to their five-bedroom homes in a gated community near Daddy’s golf course. No penalty at all.
Although he would probably have them arrested, right?

I mean, but a president could make some seriously crazy stuff happen. If you’re dumb and arrogant and you commit the crimes yourself on television, then you have a problem. Then you have to beg the Supreme Court for something preposterous, like immunity. But if Donald Trump wants immunity, he should drink bleach like he told us to do when we wanted immunity.

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