It’s the holiday season. The stockings are hung by the chimney with care, you’ve watched Kevin McCallister singlehandedly save his home from the Wet Bandits, and now you’re stressing about spending the season with your in-laws. It’s as much a Christmas tradition as figgy pudding and a star on top of the tree for some families, so if you’re dreading the holidays with your in-laws, know this: You are not alone. Whether your in-laws are coming to your house or you’re traveling to see them, it can get a little hairy during this season, especially if you’re dealing with boundary-pushing, toxic in-laws.
Assuming you’ve already tried to skip out on spending the holidays with them and also assuming your partner is supportive of you and will stand up for you and your family, there’s not much you can do but grin and bear it. Fortunately, some moms in similar situations have some advice on how not to dread the holidays with your in-laws… or at least how to dread them with a little more lightness in your heart than usual.
Go in with a good attitude.
You’ve probably heard it a million times — you can’t control other people’s actions, but you can control your reactions. While it’s incredibly difficult to remain stoic if you’re dealing with a toxic in-law situation, there’s a big difference between reacting because it’s necessary (like when an in-law is trying to force a kiss on your squirming kid) and reacting just because you feel ready to blow at any moment (like if your father-in-law asks you not to park on his grass).
You have to go into the holidays with a good attitude, whether they’re coming to your house or you’re headed to theirs. This isn’t about taking any kind of toxic abuse; this is about choosing yourself and your own happiness.
“I can’t explain how it finally clicked for me, but the day I realized walking into my mother-in-law’s house on Christmas Eve was ruining my children’s holiday experience because I was so miserable from the get-go, I knew I had to do something,” shares Lauren Hernandez, a Georgia mom of four. “My mother-in-law and I do not get along, but the dreading of that time spent with her was making me grouchy and irritable for all of Christmas Eve, and I hated that. I just refused to let her own actions — which includes stuff like being a martyr about cleaning the kitchen by herself, but constantly telling me I’m loading the dishwasher wrong — affect me. I’m not going to let her ruin my Christmas. If she needs to be a b*tch to make herself feel better, then fine. I’m just going to keep sipping the Christmas sangria and playing with my kids.”
Choose your battles.
Speaking of choosing, choosing your battles is a big way to survive both your toddlers and grumpy in-laws. You can’t let every single thing your in-laws do irritate you over the holidays, or you’ll never make it. So, figure out what kind of battle is most important. Does it really matter if Grandma buys the Christmas Eve pajamas? If the kids stay up late on Christmas Eve to have hot chocolate with their cousins, will it be the end of the world?
Obviously, if these things matter deeply to you, yes, choose these battles. But in the grand scheme of things, giving a little wiggle room to your in-laws can help make the holidays spent with them less dreadful.
“I always had this vision in mind of baking cookies with my kids on Christmas Eve and decorating them to leave for Santa,” Hannah Miller, a Michigan mom of two, says. “I didn’t want to do it in advance or anything; I just wanted it to happen on Christmas Eve in our home. Fast forward to my oldest being about 5 and my mother-in-law deciding on the Saturday before Christmas — when we always spend it with her and my husband’s family — that she wants to start a new tradition of baking cookies for Santa with all the grandkids. It felt like such a gut punch. My husband couldn’t understand why I was so upset and kept insisting that we could still make cookies on Christmas Eve and just throw hers out, but I really felt like she was purposely trying to ruin my tradition with my kids.”
Miller shares that there was nothing she could do that day but let her mother-in-law bake the cookies (“Otherwise, I looked like the ungrateful daughter-in-law crying over actual cookies”), but it ruined her whole weekend. “I was so bummed, and then on Christmas Eve, my eldest woke up and asked me where the oven mitts were because she was ready to bake. Clearly, my kids didn’t care if they baked cookies twice, so why was I so stressed about it? Now they’re 12 and 10, and we just eat the cookies they make with Nonna and then make Santa’s cookies on Christmas Eve. She gets a little baking tradition with them, I get mine, and everyone’s happy.”
Again, you don’t have to just roll over and take the nonsense from your in-laws. If you don’t want to hear about the 2024 election over Christmas dinner, make that clear. If you want your kids to read ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas with you and not their great-uncle, that’s a fine thing to insist upon. But think about what matters most to you and let the rest fade away.
Talk to your partner.
Chances are you and your partner have had many conversations about your in-laws and the situations dealing with them. And, hopefully, if your partner’s family starts insulting you or pushing your boundaries to an uncomfortable degree, your partner will stop it. But that still doesn’t mean they can catch everything that happens, and it also doesn’t mean they won’t feel icky about their family being up against the person they love.
“Communication is everything,” says Joanna Sharpton, a mom of two in New Jersey. “My husband and I have a code word for when I need him to step in. It sounds dumb, but we don’t abuse it at all — he knows if I say the word, I am not OK.” Joanna shares that her issues with her in-laws are related mostly to how they act in her home; they fully expect her to wait on them, to make sure all the foods they like best are served, to keep her children quiet so they can rest. “I’m all for being a good hostess, but over the years, I’ve learned that my husband — and my kids — deeply love having his family there for the holidays. So, when it gets to be too much, I call on him to handle it.”
Joanna says this clear line of communication means she doesn’t mind making her in-laws a cup of coffee or cooking a dinner they enjoy, but if her mother-in-law insists on the dog not being in the same room as her, her husband is the one who takes over. “There’s just something about having their own son tell them they’re being ridiculous that really works,” she says.
Nadia Berkshire, a mom of two in Georgia, agrees. “During our premarital counseling, our pastor said something like, ‘You deal with your family, and he deals with his,’ and that’s literally the only way we could survive the holidays,” she says. “When his family starts being pushy about hosting a holiday or demanding we be there at a specific time, even if it doesn’t work for us, I just leave the group chat and let him handle it. Obviously he and I talk separately so he knows where I stand, and we are always a united front — he just does all the talking.”
Anna Donaldson, a mom of three in Texas, shares, “So many little things that bother me with my in-laws are things my husband has lived with his entire life, so he has zero clue how they could be bothersome. I told him that his mom walked in on me in the bathroom and then proceeded to talk to me about what she was making for dinner, and he just didn’t get the issue. In his house, that was normal behavior.”
Anna says that sharing her boundaries with her spouse helped him define them for his parents, and it made everything better. “I dread the holidays with my in-laws, not because they are terrible people, but because they are so much,” she says. “I come from a very quiet, reserved family that did puzzles and watched movies on Christmas Eve, and his family is like playing a full-on game of flip cup with tequila. They are fun, but a lot, and it’s just not my vibe. So, my husband communicating that to his family and making sure they respect my boundaries — like no, I will never agree to sing karaoke, but I will watch and clap for you politely — is key.”
Above all, remember this: It’s your holiday, too. So, whatever you need to do to protect your peace and make it a happy time for you and your kids is paramount. Chances are, if you’re still spending the holidays with your in-laws, it has some benefit — like your kids get to be with their cousins and grandparents, or your spouse gets to see his family, or maybe your aunt-in-law just gives great gifts — so make the most out of what you can. It doesn’t all have to be as horrible as you think it will be, and sometimes, switching up your outlook means they have to change their behavior, too.
