The worst part about sex being so taboo in our society is that it’s hard to find a ton of accurate information on it — and it’s even more difficult when you’re female. As young women, many of us were left to glean what little sex ed information we could from books, the media, classmates, and religion, and not all of this information was correct. In fact, some of it was completely wrong.
But real life experience, wisdom, and a little help from our partners and friends makes a world of difference, and by the time we’re older (and often with kids) we have a much better handle on how to have sex, why we have sex, and what to think about sex.
So we asked our readers to sound off on the one thing that they wish they knew earlier about doing the deed, and the responses were amazing, from the smallest details (thank you to the person who described reverse cowgirl in such depth) to the biggest overarching lessons (sex should be fun).
Here are some of our favorite takeaways.
The Joy Of Sex
Many women have learned that despite everything, sex can and should be a good time.
“Women are meant to enjoy sex, not just participate in it.”
“Sex is not just for men.”
“You should enjoy sex without guilt.”
“It should never be painful.”
“Nothing is off-limits if everyone involved is into it.”
“That women can have multiple orgasms.”
“That sex can be amazing!”
Communication
One of the most popular responses was that sex improved a lot when they figured out that they need to talk about their needs and have a partner who talks about theirs, too.
“How to tell my partner what I like and how to make me orgasm.”
“That it’s not selfish to express your needs.”
“Most people WANT to know what you want. The good ones, anyway.”
“It’s okay to give feedback to your partner.”
“You have to teach each other what you like.”
“To ask for exactly what I want.”
“Tell people what you want — keep the one that listens!”
How To Get Off
Generally, cis men don’t have to learn how to get off or how to get off with another person. But for women, it can take time and experimentation, especially since girls just aren’t taught much about their bodies when it comes to pleasure.
“I’m supposed to have an orgasm!”
“That my O is very much mental.”
“It can take a long time for a woman to get the O. I used to think there was something wrong with me.”
“It’s okay to prioritize your pleasure.”
“Orgasms are not made-up for romance novels. Raise your expectations.”
“Orgasms are different for everybody.”
Penetration, Smenetration
Isn’t it sad that even the definition of sex is confusing and convoluted for many young women growing up? Far too many are led to believe that penetration is the only form of sex — and that you should be able to orgasm just from that one act.
“That penetration isn’t the best way to get the big O for many women.”
“Broadcast this: Not all women can orgasm with only penetration!”
“A high percentage of women can’t orgasm via penetration.”
Toys & Masturbation Anyone?
Many women were taught that masturbation is bad (or didn’t even exist) for women. And that toys are emasculating for men or kinky or dirty (not that there’s anything wrong with that). Therefore, a lot of our ah-haaaaaaaa moments had to do with self-pleasure and vibrators.
“Using toys is not an insult to your partner’s abilities.”
“Toys are fun, not taboo!”
“I had to learn that it’s not shameful to touch yourself. It made everything so much better.”
“One word: Vibrator.”
“You need to figure out what you like on yourself before someone else can get you to finish.”
No Shame!
Thanks to the patriarchy and some outdated religion, way too many women were taught to be ashamed of what they do in the bedroom. Shaking off that shame can be a revelation.
“It’s not shameful to be a female who enjoys a lot of sex.”
“It’s not an evil sin, like my church taught me.”
“Sh*t can get embarrassing quick, but when it’s good, neither of y’all will care.”
“It’s so much better when I’m not self-conscious of my body.”
“Sex is not a measure of my worth.”
“That it’s not just for procreation.”
Lube, Lube, Lube!
So, so many people just responded with “Lube.” So, if you’re not on the smooth, smooth lube train yet, get aboard.
“It’s okay to use lubricant. Use it often and liberally.”
“LUBRICATION.”
“Lube makes everything better.”
“Lube is not just for old people!”
“Coconut oil is. the. best.”
Reality Check!
In some cases, women just wanted to dispel misconceptions that they had about sex that turned out not to be true at all.
“Sex is not as seamless as it’s shown in the media or books. It’s messy and not always sexy.”
“You do not have to orgasm in order to have good sex.”
“You do not need to be self-conscious. Men are just happy to see you naked.”
“It’s totally okay if you just like vanilla sex.”
Men & Sex
Learning about sex, for most hetero women, means learning about men. And some of the lessons can be real game-changers.
“Men can have low libidos, too.”
“Sex doesn’t mean a man loves you.”
“Men need to feel desired, too.”
“Many men have no clue how to pleasure a woman.”
Consent
It’s depressing but true: learning about consent is vital to having a healthy and safe sex life. And many women who responded wanted everyone to know what they know now about consensual sex.
“You don’t owe it to anyone, for any reason.”
“That I can say no at any time.”
“Sex should never be a reward.”
“A good person will never pressure you.”
“You don’t have to do things just to seem cool/down.”
“You don’t always have to want it, even if you have before.”
How To Make Sex Better
There were also some plain old great tips on how to have better sex on a day-to-day basis.
“That reading smut would increase my low libido.”
“It gets better with age.”
“Kink is more than okay.”
“Vulnerability is sexy as hell!”
“Being on top is way, way better for me.”
“Sex is a million times better when there’s a solid connection.”
“Men should reciprocate going downtown.”
“Laughing during sex makes it better.”
Health Bulletins!
We got a lot of responses about how to prevent sex-related UTIs. Hm, maybe this should be part of every sex ed class?
“I wish I had known about UTIs and how to help prevent them.”
“Pee afterwards!”
“Learn how to clean up to stop UTIs.”
Looking back…
Some people wrote about how their biggest lesson involved regrets, which they didn’t want other women to have.
“That sex is okay to have! That I should have slept around as a young adult.”
“I regret not having more partners before my (happy) marriage. Safe and fun sex is possible!”
“Don’t stay if the sex is bad.”
“Pre-marital sex is okay. I would never have married so fast…”
A Few Laughs… & Truth Bombs
And finally, some people just made us laugh (sometimes because of just how true their nuggets of wisdom were).
“How boring most of it is.”
“Penis size matters.”
“A queef isn’t your fault.”
“Sex makes people do dumb things.”
“If you fake it at the start you’ll be stuck faking it forever.”
“That sometimes you have to schedule it.”
“Semen is gross and gets everywhere.”
“It gets boring after 20 years.”
“You’ll be disappointed 75% of the time. Girl just go home!”
Some responses have been lightly edited for clarity.
