It started when I was a kid. After my siblings and I stopped believing in Santa, our Christmas presents would be labeled, “From Mom & Dad” — in my mom’s handwriting, of course. And while I was pretty aware that my mom was fully in charge of the Christmas magic in my house growing up, I didn’t really understand the sheer amount of labor that went into that job until I was a parent myself.
That’s how, 25 years later, I found myself writing “From Mom & Dad” on my tweens’ presents even when I was the person who made the list, checked it twice, found the deals, paid for the gifts, hid them in the garage, wrapped them, and put them under the tree.
I was also in charge of Christmas dinner, the cookie platters, the tree, the lights, and on and on and on. Sure, we didn’t have to go all out during the holidays, and yes, I created some of the stress myself, but I also remembered how amazing Christmas felt in my house growing up, and I wanted that for my kids, too.
When I asked my husband for help, he simply said whatever I wanted to do “wasn’t necessary.” If I wanted to do it, he said, I could. But he’d rather go without the holiday magic than lend a hand (but really — did he just know that I would do it if he wouldn’t, and I never called his bluff?)
And that’s how the holidays went for years. I put on the show, I filled my own stocking, I took on the vast majority of the mental load and invisible labor. And when the kids opened their presents, they gave both of their parents a hug, because they thought the gifts were from both of us.
Everything changed when we got divorced a few years ago — but perhaps not as quickly as you might guess. Even though we lived separately, we still celebrated holidays together as a family. And despite my best intentions, I was still writing “From Mom & Dad” on my kids’ presents. Why? Because I didn’t want my children to feel like their dad didn’t care about them. I was protecting them from the truth: that their dad, for whatever reason, didn’t put effort into making the holidays merry and bright.
I know there are probably complicated reasons that my co-parent (and, let’s face it, a lot of male partners) doesn’t buy and wrap gifts. I absolutely think boys are socialized to not think of others and to not show affection from the time that they are born. I also think they were just not taught the skills of gift-giving like girls are. I remember sitting down with my mom and learning how to wrap and decorate presents correctly — neither of my long-term male partners have known how to wrap at all. My ex-husband doesn’t even really think of who should get presents and when; for example, he would never think to send a holiday present in to the teacher. It is simply not on their radar.
Of course, this doesn’t mean that men who haven’t stepped up can’t learn and do better. They should be able to recognize that they are not pulling their weight and that their partners are taking on a huge amount of stress and responsibility — oftentimes not just for their kids, but for their husbands’ family, too. They need to take action. They need to just sit down and take 10 minutes to learn how to wrap a freaking present. Look up a YouTube video, it’s not hard.
So, last night, as I was wrapping my kids’ Christmas presents (and watching the BBC version of Pride & Prejudice, while I will argue is absolutely a Christmas movie), I decided this was the year to sign the tags honestly. For the first time, my kids will know who their presents are from. And it’s not their dad. It will be written big and loud and clear: FROM MOM.
